I've attended more weddings this year than should ever be socially acceptable, (Lots of love to those friends and family members!) But all jokes aside, it's been fun celebrating dear friends and dear friend-in-laws. Recently, I was at a wedding where I was participating in and also overhearing different conversations about relationships, specifically about whether people are ever really happily coupled or happily married. We also talked about people's fears of being alone. Now, any time you get people in a room to celebrate a couple's nuptials, you're bound to get into these types of conversations. Especially with other women. Let's face it, you rarely hear guys talking about this subject (at least not out loud, in public). We were talking about the difficulty of being alone and how hard it can be to move on after a failed attempt at everlasting love. We were also talking about the decision to go back to an ex or to jump into a new relationship immediately after a break-up.
Ladies, I hate to say it, but having the XX chromosome combo appears to automatically make us irrational, emotional and complicated, especially when it comes to relationships. I've been just as guilty of this as you have. We over-analyze. We blame. We freak out. We turn into psychos. When we break up, we allow pieces of ourselves to get lost and at the first chance we get, we jump in with two feet to do it all over again, either with the same guy (why!?) or someone new (still not better!).
Without getting too much into the nitty-gritty of what I've personally gone through in the last 10 or so years of dating, relationships and particularly heartbreaks, I want to share the greatest lesson I've learned. Which is:
If it's not right, you know. Things just won't work out how you want them to, or how you think they should. And it doesn't matter how much you try. That whole, anything is possible if you put your mind to it, is absolute bullshit when it comes to making a relationship work that just isn't meant to be. If you choose to ignore the fact that you know it's not right and stay in it anyway, you'll never be happy and you'll get to a point where you're hanging by a thread and you feel like every bit of life has been sucked out of you. You have to accept the fact that something isn't meant for you, NO MATTER how difficult that acceptance is. Letting go will help you get to a better place. I PROMISE.
I'm not saying that relationships that ARE right for you are easy and don't require work. Quite the contrary. But when you spend every bit of time and energy into fixing something and you can't get it to work, then that says a lot. Life is telling you something. It's time you listened. It's time to throw in the towel and accept your fate.
I know this all to be a fact because I've been there. A lot. And right now, I've been single for almost a full year and I'm less stressed out and happier than I've been in a long, long time. Why? Because I'm not spending all my time and energy on trying to shove a square-shaped puzzle piece into a circle-shaped hole.
There's no doubt in my mind that I love to love. I love to be loved. I love being in a relationship. But it took me a long time to realize that I don't love being in a bad relationship. I'd much rather be happily alone than unhappily coupled.
To those of you who would rather be unhappily coupled just so you don't have to be alone or because you think loving someone is enough, I'd like to say this: despite what Hollywood, fairy tales and Nicholas Sparks novels tell us, just loving someone isn't enough. You have to love yourself. They have to love themselves. And you have to want and value the same things. All at the same time.
OR. IT. WON'T. WORK.
To those of you who stay in that unhappy coupling, I'd like to make a plea. Just try being single and alone for a while. Give it a shot. A real shot. Once you get over the initial shock and loneliness of it, especially if you've been with someone a long time, you will reconnect with yourself. It will feel better. You will feel better. All the sudden you have time to spend with family and friends and you'll realize what you were missing. And you'll realize what you weren't missing.
Going from one relationship to another just to avoid being on your own is a ridiculous waste of your time. Going back to someone after you break up with them can also be a waste of time. You broke up for a reason, right? And it's called a BREAK UP for a reason. It's broken. Admit to yourself that you deserve more. Admit to yourself that your ex-partner deserves more. Think about yourself. Be selfish. You deserve, first and foremost, to be happy with yourself and secondly, to get back from someone everything you're putting in. If you're getting anything less than that, it's time to make some serious changes.
What I've learned over the last year is that, we only have control over ourselves. You're the only person who can get yourself to a place where you are happy. No one else can do that for you. If you're happy and accepting of yourself, you not only recognize your true worth, but you celebrate it, you embrace it. You don't let anything jeopardize it and you don't accept anything less. Accept the fact that you will find someone who will make you realize why it didn't work out with any of those other people in your past. If you're the best version of yourself, the right partner will only add to that happiness. (Just ask any of the fabulous couples I just witnessed tie the knot!)
Saying this doesn't make me a romantic. It makes me a realist. I'm speaking from experience here. If you do good by yourself and by others, you are putting positive energy into the world and it will definitely come back to you. You just have to keep doing what you're doing, be grateful for all the things you have and be patient. It will happen when it's meant to happen and not a minute sooner or later.
People ask me why I'm still single. I used to hate that question. It used to frustrate me. I used to think, "Well, if I knew, I would fix it! DUH!" But now that I'm in a good place, now that I'm older and wiser and have taken the time to look back on my past and the mistakes and the lessons, I appreciate the question and take it as a compliment. I don't see being single as a problem. When people ask me why I'm single now, I'm able to recognize when they actually mean, "You're so great, how is it that no one has swept you off your feet yet?!" (Thanks to all of you who say that, by the way.)
My answer to this question started super long and complex. I used to be able to try to explain for hours. But my answer has simplified over the years. It's now down to eight little words: I. JUST. HAVEN'T. MET. THE. RIGHT. PERSON. YET.
The end.
And it truly is that simple.